Hello Yoga Friends,

It is me, Zelda. The yoga dog.
Perhaps you have seen me frolicking on the beach?
Well, here I am standing on the laptop.

You might be wondering, "Why is Zelda standing on Darlene's laptop?"
I will tell you friends. I am standing here for two reasons:

1. Secretly, I have been practicing how to hop from the couch to the coffee table where Darlene keeps her laptop.
2. I am TRYING to stop Darlene from posting a picture of this bullsh*t haircut she LET the dog groomer give me.

I can not believe it when I see myself in the mirror Monday. I look like a goat. Or maybe Yoda. 
SMH.

I slide my little dog forearms out in front of me like a sphinx. 
I think: Darlene will pay. Oh yes she will. For at LEAST two days.

When we wake up Tuesday morning I put on my best DOWNTRODDEN dog demeanor. I wump around the apartment and I try my best not to drink any water.

I can tell she is worried about me. I decide to start limping.

Wednesday comes and I keep right on going with the punishing. I limp around. I hear Darlene talking about the groomer and how depressed I am and how the groomer hurt my paw and how I might even have a fever but she does not know what a dog temperature should be.

Ok, I get a LITTLE nervous when she texts the JustAnswer Vet. I hope I don't have to hide under the couch in fear of THE THERMOMETER.

Thankfully, there is no thermometer in sight.

At night I wheeze a little next to Darlene, you know, just to throw her off. However, the wheezing trick kind of backfires. I hear talk of ANIMAL HOSPITAL.

This is not good. I stop wheezing and go to sleep.
I am pretty sure my little charade has come to an end here.

The next day I wake up and act like nothing has happened. I bounce! I jump! I run! I eat AND drink! I bark and play and do other normal dog stuff. 

I can tell Darlene is confused by the sudden bounce-jump-run dog trick. When she leans over to open the laptop I jump right across the couch and land right on it. 

Maybe when she closes her laptop she will notice the little paw prints and tiny scratches all over her new computer.

I KNOW she will post the picture. 
I do not care. 
My hair will grow back.

I win.
​
DO NOT tell the other humans.

​

Last night I could not fall asleep.
I could not fall asleep because I took a nap at 5PM.
I do not recommend this napping at 5PM business. It does not work out well for the hopeful sleeping at night.

So, it is yesterday. I crawl out of the nap bed at 6PM.
I think, "I really needed that. I feel great!"
I go downstairs to make some dinner. I start to make the dinner and Best Friend calls me. 

"Hello!" I say. "I was just thinking of you!" 
It is like that with Best Friend. I think of her and she calls me on the phone. 
It is pretty good. 

We talk for a long time. Now it is 8:30PM and I have not made the dinner.
"Eh." I think, "I am not that hungry anyway."

Somehow I manage to fill TWO HOURS doing random unnecessary stuff around the apartment.
I look at the clock and it is 10:30PM.
Crap. 
Should I eat? Should I not eat?
I decide: Yes. I should eat.

I forage for food in the fridge. I find a soggy leftover taco. Then I find: Spinach, a tangerine, carrots, a cucumber and carrot-ginger dressing. I take out the big silver bowl and make a last -minute salad.
I look up and it is 11:30PM.
I think: Hey! SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE IS ON!

I am not tired anyway, so why not?

I watch Saturday Night Live. Still I am not tired. I am trying very hard to become tired. I am beginning to dislike the nap I thought once served me. By the time I get to bed it is 2AM. 
Since I am still not tired I lie in the bed for a whole HOUR waiting to fall asleep.

I say to the room, "For God's sake! This is ridiculous!"
The room does not answer.

Finally, I fall asleep. I wake up at: 7, 8 and 10AM.
"OMG!" I say to the room again. "It is 10AM! I need to be at yoga at 10:30!" 
Zelda the dog jumps off the bed. She knows what is coming. 

The flurry begins. I lurch out of the bed and rifle through the remaining clothes on the floor. I put the clothes on. I am pretty sure the shirt is inside out. I do not care.
I also drink the leftover coffee from yesterday.
Unpleasant.

GO! Take dog out. Look for keys. Cannot find keys. Find keys with 10 minutes remaining in my yoga quest. Out the door, one sneaker on, one sneaker in hand—which I manage to put on WHILE I am trotting off.
Thank you.

As I scurry down the street I see Friendly Neighbor. I can tell she wants to chat. 
However, I cannot chat and instead must blow right by her, waving frantic hand in the air.
​"Hi!" I say. "Sorry, rushing!"
Somewhere along the way the sneaker comes halfway off. I look down. I keep going.

When I arrive I take a moment to stop panting.  I think: YES! And I walk in the door at 10:29. 
Yoga Friend sees me. Yoga Friend comes over and smiles. She says, "You made it!"

"Yes!" I pant.

Let the relaxing begin!